2005-01-25
4:47 p.m.
Open Letter
Dear You,
Remember the first time we heard This American Life, when we were on I-20 that morning? I know it was a holiday, and although I can't remember which Holiday it was, I do remember that it was very overcast, and was suppossed to be cold, but wasn't.
It's the wierdest thing. I was just doing my daily lunch-hour perusal of the TAL archive page when I saw that episode listed, and the memory of hearing it for the first time slammed right up to the front of my mind. It made me miss you so much. The stupid faces you used to make just to get on my nerves, the way your car smelled like machine oil, and how you used to practically throw your glasses at me when you were driving, "Will you clean these off? And don't spit on them."
I usually don't miss you. I don't have these seething-ly bad thoughts about you or anything, usually it's more of a sad acceptance that things just didn't work out. This is really the first time I've actually missed you in a long, long time. Not that I would change anything now. I wouldn't trade what I have wouldn't want to.
I've spent the past 2 years of my life trying to convince myself that none of it ever happened, but I guess the truth has to come out sooner or later, dosen't it?
I guess there was a time when I felt like it was simpler then. I loved you, you loved me. Then we grew up and it all changed.
I've got so many memories floating around right now that I'd just as soon forget. Like the time I was willing to walk from Cary to Chapel Hill just to get away from you, or the time I broke all the plates in the kitchen.
Then I remember how much Fun we used to have, you serving raw chicken to Amber & Alan, getting drunk, making fun of Marty (Marti?), the shortest man to ever wear leather pants. From holding hands at the zoo to you telling me it was over while I was in the bathtub, and all I can think is that I would rather it had never happened, rather than know how awful it got and still miss you.
But I guess we both know I always was a glutton for punishment.
I hope you don't get these little memory floods like the one I'm having, and that you've moved on and are okay.
I used to sign letters "your girl", but for now I think I'll just say
Good Luck & Good Bye,
-B-
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